Who am I? What have I become?
I experienced the worst breakdown in my life. Not-so-Valentine-y, for the month of love is it? I have no idea how bad I looked like, when I screamed all my anger out yesterday, but in my head, this is probably what I looked like then. Talk about a zombie-like Chuckie doll with red, bulging eyes and a snot-filled nose.
What happened? I have no idea. All I know is, it was the worst day I have had, and the weakest I”ve been in two months (and the only time I screamed in front of someone, IN My LIFE). I woke up with no schedule, which was probably why my day fell apart to begin with. I spent the next couple of hours doing everything I could possibly think of to pass the time, I cooked, I exerrcised, I napped, I watched TV, I read a book, I drew…all these things I never usually do all at once – yet I did.
But I felt disappointment and frustration building up within me after every task I did to pass time. I felt angry because my date was late-again. I felt frustrated that I was wasting time “chilling”… As a busybody, staying in bed for six hours straight was a complete waste of time, and it kills me knowing I haven’t done anything productive at all.
I know I’ve been sharing about my journey towards ultimate self-love, but yesterday has just been by far The worst day in the history of 2019 (I hope it stays that way). I still couldn’t make sense of why all of that turned me into a monster, why of all the days, I have become weak. When I would normally be kind and understanding for my partner, I lost my temper and lost myself in the process.
As I got in the car my tears flowed as if the skies canopy could no longer hold its weight, while deep within me I felt like a volcano about to erupt. All the anger, frustration, helplessness and unheard voices willing so much to explode out of my heart and overturn everything in its path.
The next thing I know I threw the cellphone towards the back seat, and I took my glasses and chucked it as well – and then the scream. THE. SCREAM. I have never in my life been a vocal person, I have never shouted, talked back, hurt anyone physically, tossed or broke stuff, I just always hurt myself to make all the feelings go away, that was my pacifier…but not this time.
Going back to that ugly picture; I screamed so loud that the dam of emotions felt like cascading waterfalls (or something like the monsoon only Aquaman could conjure) – TWICE. I screamed twice, then I broke down.
Almost a month into the Life Coaching proceess, I am clueless whether or not expressing like this was a good thing. I suppose it was a lesson on self love as well, to learn to express freely… I learned the hard way that expressing what is in you, tuning into your voice and giving yourself a chance to be heard – giving your emotions a chance to be acknowledged is a messy form of acceptance of who you are and what you’re feeling; and that’s never wrong to be heard. After decades, I finally screamed.
Apart from acknowledging my emotions, if there’s anything else I’ve learned, is that Love, loves you even at your ultimate worst.
To say that I looked like a mess would be an understatement, I looked like a person straight out of a horror movie, yet in spite of this, I was loved. In spite of all the screams, snot and tears, I was welcomed with a warmth that I didn’t know I needed.
Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
Feb 16th, 2019.
P.S Only my glasses were harmed in the process of self-love that day.